Looking Back. Looking Forward.

w: Margaret

Looking Back. Looking Forward.

Caught somewhere between a longing for a return to a beautiful summer and the excitement of an unknown future, the feeling right now is sadness. With quite a bit of confusion and fear thrown in just for good measure. There is such a sense of loss. A summer of photography and learning, of making new friends, of being in a world of kindred spirits, was a dream. We used to joke about leaving the bubble. Only…it wasn’t a joke. I just didn’t realise it at the time. My ability to reintegrate into the familiar life I had before school seems to have disappeared. This life suddenly seems not my own. Sure, all the pieces are still there….but they no longer seem to make sense. Where, I wonder, did that change occur? Trying to explain to anyone who was not involved in this summer is virtually impossible. On the surface it was merely three months of fun times. We laughed, played and photographed our way through lasting and powerful change.

Tell me what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.

Mary Oliver

I’ve thought over the weeks since being home “wouldn’t it be easier to be someone who could just be happy in their secure job – even if it is boring and uncreative? How much do I really need creativity in my every day anyway?” “Is there a way to just do what needs to be done, collect my pay cheque and spend the rest of my time on photography?” And perhaps that is what I’ve been doing for years. But now its just not enough. Yes, I DO need creativity in my every day. Instead of me fitting into my old life I need to change my old life to fit the new me. Right now it seems it can’t happen fast enough. Even the glorious Yukon fall no longer holds the magic it once did for me. And while there are things and most especially people that I will miss, life can only be lived forward. Being able to know when its time to end a chapter in order to begin a new one is a gift. Otherwise we can lose our whole lives in routine that doesn’t inspire us. Doesn’t bring us alive.

And being truly alive is the one memory that I will always have from this summer. I’ve never felt SO alive. So inspired, or happy or free. Or, in the final analysis, like the “me” I would wish to always be. Joy in doing something we love makes us beautiful both inside and out. It brings life to our eyes, warmth to our smile, peace to our heart. It’s love in action. And it is worth pursuing even though at times the road may be difficult and confusing. So each day, I’ll do what I have to do until I can finish up my job, pack up my old life and begin a new one. I’ll continue to pick up my camera and push through the sadness. I know there are happy times ahead where I will once again find those kindred spirits with whom to share an uncommon life.

 

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